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why am I swearing here on my blog when I don’t swear at home, work or church?
is my anger against myself that intense and offensive?
i guess it is.
tell you what — when i turn the corner, and i think i know what corner i’m referring to, i’ll change this theme from black to white.
bloody hell – where is my life leading?
I’m a saved sinner by Grace – wanting to keep the sin of lust deep in my heart – because of what? because of why? why is my addiction so heavy and the chains so tight? am I really that gullible to the devils guises?
I’m wasting my fucking life!
I’m destroying my fucking identity — FOR FUCKING WOT ??????????
the joy of XXX?
what joy? what gain? I’d be better off dead — but if I was, I would surely be in hell, wouldn’t I? and I want heaven. I want Jesus. I want pure love.
I think of suicide occasionally – but realise it’s the devil tempting me. I cry occasionally – but realise I’d just feeling sorry for myself. I even try to change occasionally – but my life is pretty much fucked up, and I don’t have the spiritual nor accountability support from my own fellowship to help ground me back into Christ.
God knows I’m blogging here. should I expect a comment from the Lord?
idle hands vs busy head
today has been a good day.
today I have been occupied with work and schedules and my mind has been active and satisfied with a measure of achievement. I feel a sense of self-worth today. people want my attention. people want my work.
but now I am tired and I’m thinking about getting a rush. I’ve already had a can of coka-cola (no brand endorsement there then!!), and thus the sugar has done me good. my head awakens and my eyes open alittle more. but I am fidgety. as a man of perpetual repetitive habit I am finding temptation to rest my hand on the gate that opens to the path which has been well trod over these years. I know what kind of rush to expect too. and without shame, I reckon I can skip down this track — and even having room to think about options for this evenings family time — in my mind the two halves are totally separate.
I have little to do now — idle hands — so I’m blogging here. it won’t stop the inevitable but it’s just something different to give me a busy head, yet maybe, just maybe … !
… still here, and still clean — for now!
I’ve not prayed today. I’ve not read the Bible either. I feel so pathetic that I haven’t — as if it’s the most difficult thing in the world! HA ”Simples” as some may say … to read and to pray! But who of us who really love our parents dare to walk into the dining room with dirty hands? What excuses can we come up with, or do we delay the entrance for a while. We could wash our hands, but mum stands by the sink and she’ll know how dirty we are. We can’t see the father without first seeing the mother and letting her see the condition we are in — and even if she is happy to wash us clean, will she talk about it to our father? Indecision’s about the embarrassment of uncleanness hinder me from coming to the mercy seat — and you can’t get a fatter irony than that, surely?
I guess I struggle to accept love because I don’t know how to love in the first place.
hello world!
If I’m honest, I don’t want to be talking to the ‘world’ at all – it offers nothing to me! But it was the first title here for the starting point of this blog journey, and so I’m going to use it.
Firstly I feel I should apologise to you — but I won’t, and why should I? Apologise for what?
- Living a life that is ‘under par’ to those standards set by the proud and uplifted?
- Exposing my thoughts and heinous deeds to all and sundry — as if anyone cares anyway — HA!
- Being reckless with the stewardship of personal witness? Show me one apostle who was blameless!!!
I raise my hands and admit my life is a total mess. I have failed — true, but so have you! My anger rages within, only to be incited by fools who by their drive to credit themselves with understanding, and disappear when the simple action of support and accountability knocks on their door.
Hello world! Not because the world listens, or cares, but only because it’s easier than saying ‘hello Lord’ at the moment.
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